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[Jan. 5th, 2010|06:45 pm] |
I've decided that some of the images stuck in my head just aren't meant to have stories attached to them, or maybe are meant to function outside of a story so that the reader (or daydreamer, as I should be called) may imagine their own. Either way, if I don't transcribe at least some of these fragments they will fill my head to bursting and I am liable to go completely insane. Since madness would be terribly inconvenient at the moment, I'm endeavoring to jot these images down in as quick and dirty a way as I can. Bear with me.
There is a simply gorgeous song I have just recently been introduced to called "Mykonos" by the Fleet Foxes. Every time I listen to this song (and that is quite often) I am assailed by images I would love to put to paper, if only I could capture the heart of their meaning. However, one in particular troubles me as it does not seem to have a place in any story so far imagined for Tanim and Daren and so I cannot completely grasp its meaning or gravity. It strikes me at the following lyrics:
Brother, you don't need to turn me away
I was waiting down at the ancient gate
In the fragment Daren steps out onto the porch of a weather-beaten mountain cabin. He is dressed in a heavy brown jacket, fur-lined to protect against the harsh winter. He carries a shotgun in one hand which he calmly raises, nestling the butt of the gun against his shoulder, and takes sight at something beyond the cabin. There is no uncertainty in his planted stance, nor does he hesitate as he narrows his dark eyes in practiced concentration.
You go wherever you go today
You go today
He fires.
I remember how they took you down
As the winter turned the meadow brown
You go wherever you go today
You go today
As Daren slowly lowers the shotgun, his face expressionless, the image shifts. It pans across a dirty, snow-covered clearing dotted with skeletal birch trees where a single set of footprints leads away from the cabin. The image finds Tanim just as he collapses forward into the muddied snow. Blood spreads out in a slow stain across his back. He does not move, and back on the porch Daren turns away.
When I'm walking brother don't you forget
It ain't often that you'll ever find a friend
You go wherever you go (wherever you go, wherever you go) today
You go today |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2010|10:49 am] |
"When I first saw the monsters, I knew I was in trouble. Even fully aware that I was dreaming, I knew there was no escape. I was trapped in Silent Hill. There were only long white hallways in the building in which I had taken shelter and every door opened only on more hallways, on dead ends, on anything but freedom. While fleeing the stumbling, clawing creatures and their ravenous howling I met a man, another human struggling to survive like me. I sensed that he had been trapped in Silent Hill for a very long time; he was well armed and knew exactly how to kill the undead which hounded us. He promised to protect me. I wanted to tell him that this was a dream, but he would not have listened anyway so instead I said nothing as we continued to run through the building, down so many featureless hallways. Always the dead were right behind us. Finally, we turned down a dead end and found ourselves cornered by something that might have been human once, before Silent Hill twisted it, deformed it, corrupted it. I turned to run (though where?) and when the monster rushed after me, the man shot it with a crossbow. Somehow, though, the bolt passed through the creature and struck me in the hand. The creature fell, dead (again), and I stared in numb horror at the bright red blood which oozed from my torn skin. "There's still a chance," the man said, trying to comfort me, but we both knew what the blood meant. Every hungry Thing in Silent Hill would smell my blood, even just a drop, and would hone in on our location. It was only a matter of time, now. "Some of us believe there's a way to escape Silent Hill even after death," the man said. He didn't understand. He didn't know this was a dream. I began to cry. "I never escape," I moaned. "Even when I'm dreaming. I can never escape. I never escape. I never escape." He held me as I sobbed (and as I wondered, somewhat deliriously, if Alice would save me - must have been confusing my zombie movie pop culture references).
There the dream ended, or at least there I managed to rip myself awake. I was right, though. Even now I feel like I'm being watched, from the empty closet or the balcony or the crooked mirror by my bed. As I sat up to write this in my notebook it seemed as though a shadow passed by the sliding glass doors, shrouding all my room in a heavier darkness which did not abate. Is it my imagination, or did the faint light beneath my closed door also dim, as if the hallway night-light could not withstand what stood outside my door? I am afraid to attempt to sleep again tonight. I am afraid to wake and find myself once again in the inescapable city, with the monsters that are forever hungry and which know the scent of my blood."
(Damn. I am usually so much more badass in my dreams. I blame my sister for purposefully showing me The Ring when I was young in order to fuck me up. She was sure successful. XD) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2010|11:46 am] |
A moan, so soft it could be nothing more than the slow exhalation of breath between parted lips. But I know that sound: it is the pleading whimper which catches in the back of his throat, and it wakes me from a dreamless sleep. Though I can see nothing more than his silhouette beside me in the darkness, his tension is manifest in the twisted sheets, the tang of fearful sweat in the heavy air. He's gone completely rigid in his sleep; his breath is shallow, his frantic heartbeat pulsing against a neck stretched taut by an arched back and a clenched jaw. The dream holds him captive and I imagine that within his imprisoned mind he is howling in panic, struggling against the product of his own nightmare. His fingers twitch at his side as the water closes over his head and he claws desperately for the surface, the cold black water flooding his lungs as he sinks helplessly down--
His entire body shudders as he wakes, gasping for precious oxygen and kicking at the constricting sheets. With a guttural groan he sits up, raking his fingers through his tangled hair in a poor attempt to shake off the lingering sensation of liquid tendrils wrapped around his throat. He glances at me through the darkness but my eyes are closed, my breathing slow and even, and he believes me to be sound asleep. He hesitates. Though I cannot see him I can sense movement as he stretches out his hand, so close to nudging me awake yet too nervous to cross the final distance. The water's left him so terribly cold inside and I know all he wants is to bury his trembling body in my arms, but he does not wake me. Even more than he is terrified of these nightmares, he is ashamed of how easily they strip away his defenses and leave him a weeping wreck. He does not want to be this weak. He does not want to feel this helpless. He is a knight in shining armor by day but at night, with the black ocean rising up all around him, with the water so cold it numbs his body until he can't fight back, can't keep his head above the surface any longer...
His hand retreats. The bed shifts as he turns his back to me.
Only a fool chooses to drown in sight of land. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2009|12:30 pm] |
Sometimes I see her at night, as I stand on the dock and toss my bottled messages out into the arms of the dancing tide. She is a flickering within the water, a momentary wake of silver ripples through the Moon's aqueous reflection. As my bobbing bottle makes its way seaward and I turn to retrace my well-worn path, she begins her song. In the dark she is only a silhouette upon the jagged rock, all silken seaweed hair and wave polished skin, but her pale eyes gleam like mirrors in the light of my solitary lantern. The call of her song is very familiar to me; its ancient, foreign words paint brilliant pictures in my mind. She sings to me of cities beneath the sea, of underwater staircases and statues carved of pearl and marble. She tells of banquets served on seashells, of storms whose thunder is the roar of crashing waves high above in the liquid sky. She serenades me with promises of the deep, of the dark, of the undying and the unending. Her song laps at my feet like eager little waves franticly yearning to draw me into the black waters, but as on every night I resist its seduction. My heart is earthbound and she cannot call me to the sea. Her soul is governed by the Moon's pull and I cannot call her to the land. As my bottle drifts out to sea, we go our separate ways once again. |
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| A Fairy Important Entry Perhaps |
[Dec. 30th, 2009|01:14 am] |
So trying to summarize Tanim and Daren is always an incredibly daunting task for me. I have been writing about them for seven years and consider this to be my life's work. They are my only constant characters and so enjoy considerable attention and devotion on my part (as in many hours a day, every day). One of my greatest joys in life is sharing my creations with others; that's one reason why no entries in my journal are locked from public view. This entry will hopefully provide some sort of brief introduction so that my writing is a little less confusing to people who aren't familiar with my work. However, Tanim and Daren are involved in hundreds of different story lines and worlds so it is hard to summarize their existence in a few short paragraphs. That being said, I shall now attempt to do just that. Wish me luck!
Tanim: Tanim is a man who has lived too long in apathy and so craves passion and fulfillment. He considers complete submission of the heart and soul to another to be the highest form of love and longs for this above all else. In many ways he has a knight in shining armor complex, wanting always to be the steady rock of a relationship on which a significant other may always depend. He craves affection because he himself is so affectionate. He is also self-sacrificing to a fault and often too blind and stubborn in his love to admit any flaws in his companion. Of course, this somewhat twisted idea of love manifests itself in many negative ways. Tanim is often obsessive, idolizing, and fanatical. He is ruled completely by his emotions, which he often has trouble controlling. He can be both a sadist and a masochist, though the latter is more common because of his longing for a master/servant relationship. His desire for fulfillment sometimes leads him to experiment with drugs and alcohol, though he grows bored with them just as easily as anything else which does not ease his emptiness. Tanim also often mistakes his emotional needs for sexual desire, thinking his perceived emptiness must be the result of a lack of intimacy, but this is not the case. Although Tanim could not exactly be called asexual, he usually has little to no sexual desire and only feels true affection or love for Daren.
Daren: Unlike Tanim, Daren is quite content in his own form of apathy. He is a man ruled more by cold logic than emotion, which sometimes earns him the nickname “the ice prince”. Daren does not long for love or completion; in fact, there is very little he desires and this often causes conflict between Tanim and him. Despite his cold exterior (and interior, really), he loves Tanim with as fierce a passion as Tanim loves him. However, Daren has an extremely hard time acknowledging and displaying this love. He is emotionally damaged and disconnected, largely due to events in his past/childhood, and this translates into a lack of empathy for those around him. This is also the reason Daren has absolutely no sexual desire and hates most forms of physical contact. He finds Tanim to be too clingy and needy, but struggles to accept these aspects in order to make Tanim happy. However, Daren detests the idea of submission to another and there is always a part of him that is completely closed off to Tanim. As with Tanim, Daren's many flaws can manifest themselves in much more negative ways. He can be emotionally manipulative, sadistic, and cruel, with little regard for the pain he causes. He is often seen as a tempting figure leading Tanim down a dangerous or self-destructive path. However, as Tanim only “has eyes” for Daren, so Daren is uninterested in, and incapable of, loving another. Even when at his worst, Daren is extremely possessive of Tanim.
Their relationship: As can probably be construed through the above descriptions, Tanim and Daren do not have a normal romantic/sexual relationship. Their idea of "romance" is much different than the normal definition of the word and they never engage in sexual activities. To Tanim and Daren, there is no difference between romantic love and friendship, between considering themselves lovers or brothers. They are strongly bonded on a deeper level than mere affection or physical attraction, and this bond is often something which they can neither deny nor break (even if they wish to). It manifests itself in many different forms, both healthy and unhealthy. To be honest, I'm actually having a lot of trouble finding the words to describe their interactions so I think I'll give up for now. Their relationship is much better exemplified in my writing than in this explanation.
The solstice: One of the “themes” that runs through many of the story lines involving Tanim and Daren is that of the solstice. Basically, a couple years ago I came up with a solstice myth in which the Moon murders his lover the Sun on the winter solstice (thus bringing the winter and darkness to the land) and on the summer solstice the Sun resurrects and likewise murders the Moon (bringing, then, the summer and light). This endless cycle of betrayal, death, and life is common in my writing. Therefore, Daren is often represented by the Moon, cold and distant, and Tanim by the Sun, warm and loving.
Story format: Most of my work is very short, usually one or several paragraphs. There is no single story line for Tanim and Daren; the stories take place in different eras, worlds, genres, etc. Because of that, my writing “jumps” around and any single piece could be from a variety of story lines or from none at all. Much of my writing is also from either Tanim or Daren's point of view, and these pieces can be found using the “spoken – Daren” and “spoken – Tanim” tags. Any piece of writing pertaining to Tanim and Daren that is not from their specific point of view can be found using the “Tanim/Daren” tag. Also, Tanim's speech is often noted using bold format, and Daren's italics.
Some helpful links:
Tanim and Daren's Darkside Zodiac - What the Darkside Zodiac has to say about Tanim (a cancer) and Daren (a scorpio). It summarizes them even better than I can!
The original solstice story - It's a couple years old so ignore the terrible writing. Please. XD
Basic physical descriptions of Tanim and Daren - Tanim and Daren basically look the same across every storyline/fragment. The only things which usually change are their ages, dress (depending on the era and/or world in which the story is set), etc.
Basic descriptions of Tanim and Daren's homes - Many pieces take place in Tanim's apartment so the layout is pretty fixed across stories. On the other hand, Daren's all over the place (and few stories really even mention where he lives) so the description of his apartment only holds true for certain stories.
That's all I think I'll write at the moment (so I don't blather on). You'll just have to poke around for interesting stories or ask me for certain entries that might explain things further. Like I said, I'm not the best at summarizing this stuff. Tanim and Daren are loving and possessive, fucked up and abusive, vengeful and sweet, and I just can't condense them down. Hoped this helped a little bit, though! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|01:14 am] |
I admit, I am a jealous creature. I am jealous of the air for it is drawn along the cool marble of your lips and into the deep chambers of your rising, falling chest. I am jealous of the cloth for it rests against your pale skin and shifts gently with your every movement, each shallow heartbeat a delicate ripple through the weave. I am jealous of the Sun for its rays touch upon the angles of your face and crown you in golden hues and silver shadows, casting your features as the light and dark side of the Moon both. I am jealous of the night for it wraps all around your bent frame and holds you as close as a lover, as dearly as a brother. I am jealous of anything in this world which may tremble beneath the weight of your dark gaze, anything which may shiver beneath your gliding fingers. Yes, I am such a creature of envy but can you fault me for this, my love? Can you blame me, my darling? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2009|04:36 pm] |
Am I blind? I cannot see you, muse.
Am I deaf? I cannot hear you, muse.
Am I numb? I cannot feel you, muse.
Am I mute? I cannot call you, muse.
Am I lost? I cannot find you, muse. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|10:45 pm] |
If a man dies and there is no one to mark or mourn his passing, did he ever really live? |
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